Lets face it there are many people who will, throughout your life, do things to you that make you less than happy. Sometimes these people can actually hurt you so much that their mere presence on this earth impacts your well being and your emotions in extreme ways. At worst the sheer thought of them or mention of their name makes your blood boil, at best you avoid them like the plague.
There are certainly one or two people in my life that have been less than kind over the years and yes it has stretched into years. For the most part I have no trouble in forgiving misgivings, moving on from altercations or disagreements, but this has only been up to a certain point.
I mean there is a line that cannot be crossed and well if you are prepared to cross it – there are consequences!
So when I was told one day in a healing session that to move forward I was going to have to tread down the dreaded path of forgiveness, the resistance was swift and firm. Forget it, forgive them, why would I and if I did I would only appear weak, I would lose face, they did not deserve my kindness and besides if they got it they were only likely to abuse it.
But with a little gentle prodding, I started to see the reasoning behind it.
The prodding went something like this:
When you are angry at someone you hold them energetically in a certain space so that any dealings with them will spark the anger also held within that space. When you consider them to be lesser than you because of the deeds they have done, you also keep them in that space so that any interaction with them is destined to fail. When you are unkind to them, try to get the better of them or believe they are trying to get the better of you, then you hold yourself in that space so that your behaviour is generally no better than theirs.
Conversely to forgive someone for their wrong doings toward you means you no longer hold them within any space. To forgive means you are free to have ‘normal’ interactions with them. Forgiveness breaks the cycle and allows the potential for the person to change their approach toward you. In forgiveness the chains that held the two of you together disappear as you treat the person with the same respect and kindness as you would any other, so that they become like any other. There is nothing special about them, about your dealings with them and therefore no hold one way or another between the two of you.
After a lot of thought and a realisation that what was currently happening really wasn’t working, I decided forgiveness may be worth a try.
My approach started with a little mantra whenever I dealt with or thought about the person, ‘I do not hate you, I do not hate you’… This was then followed by a resolve to be kind. I would make a conscious effort to show the same kindness that I would normally show to any other person and I was determined to maintain a normal relationship, to let go of the feelings of one upmanship or that I was better than they are.
So how am I going?
Well so far so good, it did take some practice but now I love the way that if they call it no longer causes me to feel anxious, I love the way that when I see them I can smile be pleasant and kind without conviction, I love the way there is a more open nature to our relationship, and most of all I love that the feeling that they may be getting the better of me, has gone. With the better communication any issues tend to be aired in their infancy before they get to be big.
Oh and PS I also had to do some work on just accepting the person as they are.
But in effect the forgiveness has brought me freedom…
As the song goes…
All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don’t belong to you
And you don’t belong to me
Yeah Yeah Freedom, freedom, freedom
You’ve gotta give for what you take….